There’s so many things running through my mind right now, I’m trying to think of where to begin. I’m thinking about my life.. And about how I don’t really have one. Sure I live and breathe and work and sleep & have a relationship.. But what am I doing with my life? With our life? Right now I have nothing to strive for, for the both of us. I’ve been in the same spot I was a year ago, only the scenery has changed. Sigh.. I wish I could put my foot down. But for some reason I just can’t. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s my life and if I want it to be different then I should do something about it, but I’m afraid.. I’m afraid to hurt someone, and I’m scared to be alone. I just don’t understand why nothing has changed.. I thought moving to a completely new state it would be a fresh start. A clean slate. But obviously I was wrong. I feel like I keep making excuses for myself and for you. It’s really hard to defend someone when they have nothing to show in their defense. Ugh. It’s so hard to make you understand without you getting angry, and once you get angry I just give up. Is it worth making you pissed if its just going to go back to
The same old thing tomorrow? I’m just the doormat I’ve always been my whole life. I feel like I’ve given you so much and ill never get that kind of treatment back, ever. You have had so much time. Almost a year and you have yet to find something. I know I can be patient but how long do you expect me to wait? How long do I have to wait to experience all the things you said you were going to do 2 years ago. I just don’t understand what’s holding you back. And everyone else sees exactly how it is. They think you’re using me and sucking me dry and that you’re only with me because its convenient and you have everything given to you on a silver platter. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to wear the pants anymore, what’s the point of being the breadwinner if I can’t even enjoy the bread? And my Dad always says, “If he loves you, he’ll do it.” Which makes me wonder, do you really even love me? Do you? I don’t see how you really could if you can’t even get your own shit together. It just makes me so flustered. I love you so much and I feel like we’ve been closer than we’ve ever been & we know each other inside and out. I know you can apply yourself but you don’t. You aren’t excited to find a job. You don’t show initiative or the urgency to find something. And I know you’ve been lookin and you’ve been trying. But still nothing had changed at all. It’s just like it was back in Maryland and it breaks me everytime I think about my life and how we’re going no where. I feel like I’ve spent so much time, effort, love, and money on you and it’s all gone to waste. I want to be with you more than anything and you’re my whole world and I’d do anything for you but it doesn’t seem like you feel the same. Sure you love me, you tell me you love me all the time and shower me in compliments and make me laugh, but it’s all just to make up for what you lack in our relationship. I used to think “Love is all you need” but it’s not. I need someone who can get control of theirselves and do something with their life. I need a man. And it’s not only about you not havin a job it’s just things about who you are. You have no right to complain about anything when everything you have was given to you out of the kindness of others. When you do contribute you complain about doing it. You don’t see me bitching every morning I have to get up for work or have something I need to do. I just feel like ugh. My heart and my head never agree with each other and I’m so torn right now. 😔 I feel like I’m happy with how you love me but I’m not happy with anything else. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been trying to help you for a year.. So I guess it’s true that you really can’t change people. I need something to change because my patience is wearing thin and this is my time now to make the most of what I have and get back on my feet and have a family. I think I want so badly to be married so I can tell myself ill never be alone again. But then I don’t want to end up marrying someone who offers me nothing. I just want someone to care about me enough they would do anything to keep me happy always.. Ugh. Tears are pointless right now.. I just don’t know what to say to you when we’re face to face. I don’t want to make you feel like shit and somehow you always guilt trip me and I end up comforting you. There hasn’t been not one single time you comforted me on your own. I have to ask you to make me feel better? Heh! It makes me so incredibly depressed when you don’t even know what to say to me. Not one word comes to mind with you, and it just makes me feel like you don’t even care at all. I feel like I take pride in myself when I try to help a friend in doubt or sadness. I want to be there and give words of advice and comfort.. You can even say that it’s going to be ok. Ughh. So much rambling in this post and I know I’ll regret it when you read this. I just don’t understand why you don’t seem to want more for us? I remember you telling me you would give me anything in the world if you could. I need you to prove yourself to me or I can’t do this anymore, no matter how sad it makes me I only have one life and I’m not going to throw it all away on someone who doesn’t care about theirs.
